Yo quiero ser un chico reality (confesiones culposas)

28.7.09

Así como Sabina canta eso de “yo quiero ser una chica Almodóvar”, yo podría (si tuviera un mínimo de condiciones vocales) cantar algo como “yo quiero ser un chico (o no tanto) reality”. Así es. Sueño frustrado, deseo oculto, culposo y casi inconfesable, me encantaría participar en un reality show. De uno de los con encierro, eso sí, nada de docu-realities, ese engendro de formato en que te siguen con una cámara las 24 horas del día en tu vida normal. Por lo demás, un docu-reality de mi vida sería un fiasco, eso seguro. Pero participar de uno con encierro... eso es otra cosa.

Imagínense encerrados con personajes como Álvaro Ballero, con sus cirugías, su pose de estrella y de pensador profundo. O con Pamela Díaz (a quien, segunda confesión culposa de este post, admiro total e incondicionalmente) y sus arrebatos. Ni hablar de compartir con alguna modelo mononeuronal como Adriana Barrientos, o –esto sería el cielo –tener largas conversaciones con Juan Cristóbal Foxley, también conocido como “el Dandy chileno”. Eso por nombrar a algunos de los actuales.

Querámoslo o no, los reality shows están hace rato en un peak del que no parece vayan a bajar por el momento. De hecho, en este minuto tenemos tres en paralelo (“1910”, “Pelotón VIP” y “La Noche”). Ninguno es muy original –1910 es la continuación del recién terminado 1810, Pelotón es la versión contardictoria (VIP y chilena, no tiene lógica) de Pelotón y Pelotón 2, y La Noche es un docu-reality de un exitoso (aunque sea difícil de explicar) grupo musical. O sea, al menos en esta pasada ningún creativo se devanó los sesos tratando de hacer algo novedoso. De hecho, yo creo que los creativos andan de vacaciones. Pero así y todo, cada noche mi dedo pulgar derecho sufre las consecuencias de un incesante zapping entre 1910 y Pelotón. Me ha sido imposible decantarme por uno de los dos programas.

Para no parecer tan enfermo –y para que este post tenga algo de sustancia –paso a enumerar las razones por las que me gustaría participar en un reality. Sólo razones profundas, cuasi científicas diría yo. Es que uno es un apóstol del conocimiento, no es que sea dado a la farándula. Vamos viendo.

Exposición. Siempre he sido bastante recatado, reacio a exponerme –necesaria o innecesariamente –ante los demás. Mi personalidad es más bien retraída, y no ando contándole mi vida al primero (ni al segundo, ni al tercero, y así) que se me cruza por delante. Odio las dinámicas grupales, el karaoke, hablar en público. Tengo un sentido de la vergüenza –propia y ajena –extraordinariamente desarrollado. Es más, el hecho de que escriba este blog bajo un seudónimo tiene bastante que ver con eso (tercera confesión de este post, aunque un poco menos culposa que las otras dos). Tener el nivel de exposición de un reality creo que sería un cambio potente, que me gustaría probar. Sólo para saber qué se siente. Además, confío en que al tercer o cuarto día las cámaras ya darán un poco lo mismo. O, en el peor de los casos, que seré capaz de actuar como si así fuera.

Conflicto. Me gusta, definitivamente. No es que ande por la vida de conflictivo, no señor, pero créanme que me esforzaría por ser uno de esos personajes conflictivos, que ante la menor provocación arman un buen escándalo. Porque, cuarta confesión, son ésos los personajes que me hacen ver un reality. Si veo 1910 no es para ver a Ximena Huilipán llevándose bien con todo el mundo y diciéndole a gente que conoce hace un día cuánto los quiere, sino para no perderme la provocación, el insulto, el certero aletazo de Pamela Díaz a Adriana Barrientos. Eso es tener sentido del espectáculo. Eso es lo que me gustaría probar. No el aletazo de la Díaz, que quede claro, sino el constante roce –no en el sentido físico del término –con los otros participantes. Si alguno defendiera a ya-saben-quién, imagínense el goce de discutir con él.

Investigación. Quinta confesión: simplemente adoraría estar algunos días con personajes tan extraños. Poder observarlos, conocerlos en directo, conversar con ellos. ¿Se imaginan la cantidad de temas que tendría para este blog? Claro, por un rato se transformaría en algo parecido a una versión online de un programa de farándula, pero quién sabe. A lo mejor saldrían temas como “Foxley no es tan pelotudo como parece”, “Adriana Barrientos no tenía una neurona. Son 2” o “Lo que no se muestra de Pelotón: Nabih en verdad quiere con el instructor”. De seguro, libreta en mano, podría hacerme de interesantes contenidos. Vaya a saber uno qué sorpresas aparecerían.

Experimentación. No es que quiera experimentar con alguna chica reality (cosa que me obligaría, por cierto, a buscar un reality que durara el resto de mi vida), sino algo mucho más preciso, y que me lleva de vuelta al punto del conflicto: me encantaría poder aplicar en directo, de manera intensiva y como si fuese un laboratorio de alta tecnología, el Manual del Insoportable. Lección por lección, paso a paso, ir probando, confirmando y/o descartando la utilidad de esas enseñanzas. Estoy seguro de que lograría rápidamente posicionarme como un insoportable total, y de que, pese a eso –o gracias a eso, más bien –seguiría un buen rato ahí. Y –teoría por confirmar –probablemente dando rating.

Lucas. Sí, el vil dinero que todo lo ensucia. Pero ganarse buena plata puro pelotudeando (o investigando seriamente, que sería mi caso), para luego salir del encierro y seguir pelotudeando (a la vez que tabulando resultados, analizando, en mi caso) y seguir cobrando bien. Un lujo, ¿no? Porque convendremos en que ningún participante de reality se gana la plata filosofando ni haciendo grandes aportes a la humanidad. Básicamente se exponen, hablan muchas pelotudeces (mientras más, mejor), pelean con algún otro participante y ya. Por eso les pagan. Y bien. Sexta confesión (ya sabida por muchos): pelotudear (¿existirá el término?) es lo mío.

Una segunda parte de este post incluirá las desventajas que supondría mi ingreso a uno de estos programas. Porque claro, no todo es tan lindo. Si todo fuera ganancia, estaría acampando en la entrada de algún canal de TV, por último esperando hasta que (les aseguro que a alguien ya se le ocurrirá) se haga un reality de indigentes. Esperen, hagan como que no leyeron eso. Le voy a vender la idea a algún canal, eso sería un hit seguro. Bueno, eso, no se adelanten con las desventajas, que ya vienen.

Y como siempre, estimados, estimadas y quienes apoyan a ya-saben-quien (a quienes, claro, no puedo estimar), espero sus no aportes. ¿Entrarían a un reality? ¿Debería yo entrar? ¿Tomo mi saco de dormir y me voy a ofrecer a algún canal?

86 no aportaron:

Daniel Colodro dijo...

Estimado Sr. Que no Aporta:
Justo terminando de leer todas las entradas de su blog, todas muy buenas, por cierto; me encuentro con una nueva.
Bueno, sobre el tema, sería muy interesante su presencia en un reality, sobre todo si hubiese algún fan de aquel-que-no debe-nombrarse (que de seguro hay).
Eso si, olvidó (u omitió quizá) nombrar al procer de la estupidez en los realitys (y fuera de ellos también), ¿cómo sería compartir 24 horas al día con un personaje detestable como es Edmundo Varas (seguro fan del innombrable, además)?

Adam Buscovic dijo...

Opino que si tanto llaman tu atención deberías tratar de ingresar a uno, y contarnos que tal, pero no transformar el blog en sólo una columna de farándula, el sitio perdería identidad. Por mi parte, no me gustan los realities, alguna vez los he visto (no los que están de moda por cierto)y cambio rápidamente de canal porque curiosamente compartimos algunas características de personalidad, como no contar la vida al primero, segundo o tercero que pase, el rechazo a las dinámicas de grupo, karaoke y demases, pero sobre todo, el desarrollo de la vergüenza propia y ajena. Saludos.
PD: y el avatar de twitter para cuando? Falta un logo que no aporte.

El que no aporta dijo...

Daniel Colodro, suerte la suya. Mire que apuntarle a una entrada nueva, con la regularidad última de este espacio, no estaba fácil.

A Edmundo Varas lo omití, por cierto; creo que cualquier posibilidad de control de mis actos podría verse afectada profundamente por su presencia y, sobre todo, su voz, lo que invalidaría, al menos en parte, mi investigación. De seguro, además, es fan de ya-sabe-quién, lo que no hace sino empeorar las cosas.
---------------

Adam Buscovic, no lo he descartado. Mientras no se necesite de algún talento artístico (cantar, bailar o actuar, por ejemplo), y la participación se limitara a pelotudear, no habría problema.

Compartiendo el desarrollo de las vergüenzas propia y ajena, veo que no compartimos cierto dejo masoquista de ver cómo otros hacen el loco. Créame que, aun cuando entrara a uno de estos programas, hay cosas que no haría, por simple dignidad.

Sobre el avatar de Twitter, aún no se me ocurre nada suficientemente no aportador. Recibo ideas.

Perrrfectblue dijo...

¿La Noche con "docu-reality" (no veo qué tiene de normal andar con una cámara persiguiéndote 24/7)?
¿La Noche, en serio, ese grupo que canta... emmmmm...mmm... algo?
Personalmente me cargan estos programas, en especial ahora que no solamente se valora, sino que se celebra a la gente más irrespetuosa, más violenta y agresiva, que "dice las cosas de frente" (una excusa para decirle a cualquiera lo que se te ocurra, preferentemente ofensas). Pero aparte de eso, también tengo muy desarrollado el sentido de la vergüenza ajena y propia, que me impide ver a otros hacer el loco, menos vender su intimidad, por el vil dinero (que es una cantidad más que considerable, lo sé, más aún considerando que varias de estas "estrellas" no tienen otra carrera que "ser rostros", lo que sea que eso signifique).
Sin embargo sería interesante ver cómo "el que no aporta" se desenvuelve en ese ambiente y con esa gente que, yo creo, en poco tiempo obligarían a ceder el seudónimo, el nombre del blog, incluso el Manual del Insoportable se vería en peligro de que alguno lo reclamara como "biografía no oficial".

El que no aporta dijo...

Perrrfectblue, la misma "Noche". Los de "una otra y otra vez" (son las únicas palabras que conozco de sus "canciones").

Sobre su negativa a ver la intimidad que otros venden por vil dinero, la comparto. Salvo que el vil dinero sea para mí, caso en el cual pasa a ser simplemente dinero. Incluso bien ganado dinero, merecido dinero o algo así.

Sobre la carrera como "rostros", un botón de muestra: Arturo Longton declaró que ser llamado al programa de baile (ni idea cómo se llama) era "un avance en su carrera". ¿Qué tal?

Me ha hecho usted ver que, en efecto, mi propia identidad puede correr riesgos. Pasaría de ser "El que no aporta" a "uno más que no aporta". Sin embargo, y dado que los que no aportan hacen nata en estos programas, a lo mejor me sentiría cómodo. Vaya a saber uno.

Sobre el Manual del Insoportable... más que correr el riesgo de que lo reclamen como biografía, me preocupa que luego de una experiencia así, pudiera convertirse en "La enciclopedia del Insoportable" o "El tratado del Insoportable". Hoy mismo, control y libreta en mano, saco un par de lecciones.

Ja dijo...

Uf! SQNA, justo, justo hoy (3 minutos antes de leer su entrada) tuve una discusión con un cuasi fan de él... mi jefe!!! le leí los "versos" y las "rimas", para que cachara que no se puede admirar a un seudo-poeta, pero se reía y burlaba de mí, es más, dijo que seguramente, en su fuero interno (el suyo, SQNA, no en el de él!!!) lo admira y sólo porque no puede escribir como él, lo ataca ¿se imagina? ¿se imagina, además, esto acompañado de un Especial de FM2 sobre "él", aportado por la gente que trabaja afuera de mi oficina?

Uf, por favor, si lo aceptan en el reality, ponga como exigencia una conexión a internet, para que nos cuente en directo sobre sus estudios, caso en el cual estaría aportando, y también podría perder el nombre...

Fran dijo...

Noo, así no se pueeeeeeede... O sea... partimos con twitter. Ya, ok, discutimos respecto al tema, y pasó. Pero ahora ¿¿que es esto de "reality boy"?? Oiga, no se habrá tomado una dosis triple de Tamiflú, sobredosis de paracetamol, o algo así???
Ahora bien, reconozco que el aletazo de la Pamela Díaz a la dama Barrientos (una daaaaaaaaama), o las patadas del recluta Garcés a Miguelo lograron mantener mi atención por más de 5 minutos (un record)
Me basta decirle que si quisiera hacer aplicable todo el manual del insoportable durante su estadía en el reality, lo tomarían como un bipolar, y su futuro sería: a)terminaría amarrado con una camisa de fuerza.
b)haciendo 5000 lagartijas (si le toca reality de ropa camuflada)
c)animando fiestas en discotheques del norte haciéndose millonario.

El que no aporta dijo...

Ja, yo puedo escribir como él, eso quedó demostrado en los comentarios al post más famoso de este humilde espacio. Ahora, que no quiera escribir como él (ya hablé sobre el tema vergüenza) es otra cosa.

Mire, despachos en vivo sería lo ideal, pero lo veo difícil. Eso sí, andaría con una libreta todo el tiempo, no vaya a ser, como dijo la Marlen Olivari, que se me escape algo.
---------

Fran, a lo mejor algo anda mal, pero qué quiere que le haga. Así no más es.

¿Se imagina contemplar en vivo y en directo a Pamela incordiando y golpeando a la Barrientos? Hay cosas que el dinero no puede comprar...

Sobre la aplicación del Manual:
a) descartada.
b) ¿no querrá decir "camuflajeada"?
c) no me desagrada del todo. Digo, la animación no es lo mío, pero por "merecidas lucas"...

Saludos

Fran dijo...

El vil dinero....
Pero, se ha dado cuenta que hay un nexo invisible, pero indestructible entre "ser chico reality" y "animar eventos en dicotheques"? Bueno, así se entiende lo de Longton y el notable "avance en su carrera".

Sin embargo, y aportando a este tema que ha puesto usted sopbre la mesa, lo insto a que además haga una lista con sus candidatos a compañeros de reality.

major tom dijo...

Eso.Diseñemos un reality.
A mi me encantaría que estuviera Daniel Muñoz,para que se pudiera hacer amigo de
el.
Y Nicanor Parra que no saldría nunca de su pieza(para que hubiera un elemento misterioso)
La Pamela jiles pa que los roteara a todos
¿quien mas?

Ja dijo...

¿seguro que no quiere escribir como él? y "camuflajeado"; SQNA: me está dando susto!!!!

Fran dijo...

A ver, vamos por parte.
Hay que decidir a qué clase de reality lo enviaremos.
Porque muy distinto es enviarlo a un reality en una isla afrodisíaca, a entrar en un reality de mormones (con el respecto que me merecen).
¡¡¡¡O "el reality de los fans de Aquel que no debe ser nombrado"!!!!!!!!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

major tom dijo...

Lo mandamos a una isla afrodisíaca!!!(que no paradisíaca)
Eso,eso!!!!!!

major tom dijo...

También lo podemos mandar a una afrodisíaca isla paradisíaca.

El que no aporta dijo...

Fran, es una gran idea. Luego del post con las desventajas de entrar, haré uno con una propuesta de casting.
---------

major tom, hay vaaarios más. Esperemos un poco, este tema da para ser desarrollado extensamente.
---------

Ja, sólo quería ver los reflejos de los asistentes. Y sí, absolutamente seguro.
---------
Fran, ¿qué es eso de "enviaremos"? Suena a muchos. ¿No querrá quedarse con parte de mis ganancias?
De las opciones que plantea, voto por la isla. Segunda opción: los mormones, claro.
---------

major tom, lo importante es que sea afrodisíaca. Aunque podría tener repercusiones posteriores, sabrá usted...
---------

major tom, mejor que mejor. Allá iría sin reparos.

Fran dijo...

Nuevamente, como dijo Hans, por partes:
Me faltó poner "isla afrodisíaca con Nicanor Parra", en cuyo caso la compañía del antipoeta no serviría de nada.Igual sucede con Daniel Muñoz. Y en el caso de Pamela Jiles... bueno, no hay mujeres malas, solo piscolas suaves.

En cuanto al "enviaremos", pero claaaro, pues. Todos los fieles lectores de este blog lo enviaremos a usté, cual conejito de Indias (disfrazado incluso si es necesario) para que haga experimentos sociológicos, gane plata, se pegue aletazos con Pamela Díaz, y termine animando eventos en discotheques del norte.

major tom dijo...

Vamos entonces con el sr que no aporta,disfrazado de conejito(tanto para guardar el secreto periodístico como para protegerse de las repercusiones a que aludió,o sea,parapetado),en una isla afrodisio-paradisíaca,SIN Parra(aunque a mi me sigue gustando mucho para chico reality,igual que Daniel Muñoz),y,por lo de afroetc,¿podría ser con alguna estrella invitada,como Angelina Jolie,sin niños,sin marido,claro,y con Lucho Jara para que traduzca?¿Muy bizarro?

Fran dijo...

No, para nada... incluso, creo que le faltaría el personaje "soy un tipo esforzado que viene de abajo, que va a la galucha de la Quinta, etc. etc." ojalá con algún pariente enfermo, con problemas de plata, o algo similar.Puede ser un "ex clan infantil", también sirve.
Y el Coca Mendoza. Obvio.

El que no aporta dijo...

Fran, si eso la hace sentir mejor, está bien, voy en representación suya y de todos los no aportantes que se hacen presentes en este lugar. Que quede claro, eso sí, que los beneficios monetarios no se reparten. Mal que mal, el que se expondría a un aletazo de la Fiera soy yo.
----------

major tom, me sumo a su voto: isla afro-paradisíaca, con Angelina Jolie. A Lucho Jara déjelo tranquilo, con mi spanglish me las bato.
----------

Fran, el tipo esforzado, "del pueblo", que le llaman, no puede faltar. Tengo varios en carpeta, nombres que serán revelados cuando llegue el post del casting. Coca Mendoza es un must en cualquier reality, así que entra desde ya.

la Vieja Chica dijo...

Me va a creer que yo, que me precio de llevarme bien con la tecnología, no me haya fijado en que se puede seguir un blog sin el famoso widget? Eso es ser torpe.

En fin... estoy de acuerdo con usté, aunque en mi caso no es algo inconfesable, y casi compartimos las mismas motivaciones por participar en un reality. Creo sí que de "reality" ya a estas alturas no tienen nada, porque los participantes ya se pegaron el alcachofazo de que tirándole platos por la cabeza al prójimo (Edmundo) o diciendo cuanta sandez se les venga a la cabeza en el momento, en pos de una mal entendida "sinceridad" (llámese Angélica) son grito y plata, o rating. Y en esa actitud entran, así que ésa es la que usted debiera tomar si quiere realizar un estudio de al menos tres semanas, digo pa mantenerse y que no lo echen por fome.

Yo trato de imaginar un reality donde encerraran a gente conspicua del área científica o comunicaciones... Porque poniéndolos a discutir, siguen al pie de la letra varias lecciones del manual del insoportable, como lo del intelectualismo barato y sabiduría prestada. Lloverían los mechoneos y combos! Siento que lo de la isla paradisíaca afrodisíaca no resultaría, esa idea ya está vista y lo que al público le gusta es ver gente peleando y sufriendo, a menos, claro, que se vean por cámara los efectos afrodisíacos que eso también sube los bonos, como lo demostró hace unos días la hija de la geisha.

Suerte con lo del saco de dormir, a lo mejor le resulta!

Fran dijo...

Oiga, echaron a Edmundo del reality de época.
Tal vez se abren las vacantes!!!!
Tiene listo el saco de dormir y el disfraz de conejito?

La_Lyri_K dijo...

Realmente, lo que me hizo quedar al descubierto de mi capeo laboral de la tarde, fueron las risas provocadas por el futuro reality de indigentes. Es más, lo escribo y me vuelvo a acusar. Brillante idea.

Otro punto que me resulta interesante de su idea de salir a la exposición pública físicamente, es el de indicar lo de la personalidad "retraída", pues en general, muchos de los blogueros fueron -o aun les queda algo- parcial o absolutamente nerds (parece que este blog servirá para que todos confiesen hasta los "tu pasado te condena"), de los que pudieron, no siempre ser los mejores alumnos, pero en algo destacaban. Así que, salir en un reality, en algunos casos, podrían "liberar" cierta personalidad escondida en el subconsciente, del ganador y producido tipo que probablemente sea un intelectual, pero que "finge" ser una máquina de la imágen sin contenido. Quisiera saber si existe alguien realmente inteligente en uno de esos programas que nunca veo pero de los que me entero igual, pues todos los comentan. Así que, no te queda otra que oír (en mi caso, desde que quede sin el artefacto para escuchar música).

Salu2.

Mafe dijo...

¿Sabes?

comparto las ganas de ser chic@ reality...

- mi personalidad es nula y mi timidez sobrepasa la escala normal, sería bueno enfrentarme a la fría y e impactante realidad que me vieran miles de personas haciendo que se yo, hablando estupideces o simplemente flotando como ameba en el lugar.

- Simplemente, no entiendo por qué llevo estudiando 5 años en la Universidad, y endeudada quizás hasta cuando, para ser una profesional con vocación, si puedo ganar mucho dinero haciendo nada, o haciendo polémica, buscando pololo reality, peleandome a muerte con algún otro integrante, compitiendo y tomándome EN SERIO lo que estoy haciendo, llevando a mi mascota, maquillarme temprano o demostrar que no me adapto en un círculo de personas extrañas estúpidas sin tema en común.

Nos perdemos estimados, creo que seríamos un aporte notable en esos realitys...

ohhh si.

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